Romance is a grind. Dealing with emotions can get so messy. Who has time for that?
There are supposedly only 5 distinct types of “love languages,” from “words of affirmation” to “acts of service.” To that list we’d like to add a new addition: “terms of insurance.”
The insurance world provides a host of ways to transact your relationships in a manner that doesn’t require any reading of the fine print.
Some might call it cold. Or dispassionate. Or heartless. But hey, sometimes you just have to cut to the chase—and clear, concise insurance lingo is just the ticket.
Let’s look at some examples, all of which fit comfortably within a text message or two. But please don’t copy-and-paste directly to your lover. That’s just tacky.
- I regret to inform you that, from an underwriting standpoint 🤓, our relationship is a bad risk. If it was up to me, I’d take the chance. But the numbers don’t lie.
- Upon review, I have decided to non-renew our partnership. My feelings expire as of 12:01, after which point you are no longer covered.
- Dearest heart of mine, please advise re: the previously discussed polyamory endorsement to our romantic policy 😈.
- Your personal liability coverage does not extend to negligence or intentional damage. Had you merely dropped my heart “on accident,” there might be some compensation here. Sadly, you “threw it at the wall, stepped on it, and then drove your Prius back and forth over it,” all of which makes you clearly ineligible to file a claim ❤️🩹.
- I remember when you used to stare dreamily into my eyes and whisper, “you can’t spell deductible without U and I…” And yet, when we went to Aruba last month, you said you “didn’t have the itsy-bitsy $250 I asked you to contribute to the trip” because “you were still waiting to get paid from all those DJ gigs last summer.” Babe, I need to know you’re willing to take responsibility and contribute. I can’t just keep covering for you.
- We promised we’d always be there for each other, no matter what happened—that’s why we got those matching OPEN PERILS tattoos on our third date! But I should have asked for exclusions. The “hot tub on a work trip with your office husband” exclusion. The “canoodling with my brother on the trampoline” exclusion. So. Many. Exclusions.
- Loss of use? More like loss of US. I’ve put your belongings out on the lawn in some very nice trash bags. Please don’t ask me to foot your hotel or Seamless bills again.
- My life coach was right: You’re an HO1, and I deserve an HO5.
Have your own suggestions? Let us know. And if you’re ready to fall in love with your insurance company, click the button below to get started with Lemonade.
